When we think about being competent at work, we usually think about how good we are at doing something. We focus on skills, certifications, experience, and output. All of that matters. But if you step back and think about the people you most enjoy working with (and the ones you struggle with), the difference is rarely technical ability.
More often, it comes down to how someone relates to others.
Relationship skills shape how we communicate, how we handle conflict, how we repair when things go sideways, and how safe or tense it feels to work together. These skills are often invisible, rarely taught, and deeply impactful—especially in environments where collaboration, trust, and leadership matter.
The self-assessment below is an invitation to pause and reflect on how you show up in your work relationships. There’s no score, no pass/fail, and no expectation of perfection. Just insight. As you move through the questions, notice what feels familiar, what feels uncomfortable, and what feels like an opportunity for growth.
For each of the 10 questions below, choose the answer that feels most true. Then, peek at why it matters. No seeking perfection here - just insight.
a. Almost always
b. When things are going well
c. Only if I didn’t mess something up
d. Rarely, I’m my own worst critic
e. ...that’s an option?
Why it matters: How you treat yourself sets the tone for how you treat others. Self-kindness isn’t self-indulgence – it’s emotional hygiene. When you're gentler with yourself, you're more resilient, less reactive, and generally more kind to others.
Try this: Imagine treating yourself with the same kindness, patience, and understanding that a nurturing parent would offer. When you make a mistake or face a challenge, respond with gentleness instead of harsh self-criticism. Practice comforting yourself and acknowledging your efforts. Over time, this approach can help build resilience and foster more compassionate relationships.
a. People are my favorite part of work
b. Most people, most of the time
c. Depends on my mood
d. I tolerate them professionally
e. I try to avoid interacting with others
Why it matters: Liking people doesn’t mean being a social butterfly. It means seeing others with curiosity and respect, not as obstacles or competitors. When you really want to connect with people, interactions are just more naturally positive.
Try this: Take a moment to reflect on the environments or situations where you find it easy to be curious and receptive toward others. Notice when you feel most comfortable engaging, asking questions, or exploring different viewpoints. These moments often point to the conditions where meaningful connection tend to come most naturally.
a. Very open—I seek it out
b. Open, if it’s shared respectfully
c. Depends on who’s talking
d. I’ll listen, but will also share my view
e. I really don’t want to know other perspectives
Why it matters: The currency of relationships isn’t right and wrong – it’s respect. That means accepting that other people have different perspectives than you and listening to better understand what and why that is.
Try this: Consider whether you are able to listen to someone else's perspective without feeling pressured to change your own beliefs. Challenge yourself to be open to hearing another person’s truth, focusing on understanding rather than agreeing or disagreeing. This approach can help foster respect and deeper connection, even when opinions differ.
a. Self-reflect and regulate, then address it directly
b. Vent to a trusted person before responding
c. Let it slide (even when I shouldn't)
d. Shut down or get passive-aggressive
e. Explode, then feel guilty
Why it matters: Conflict isn’t the problem – avoidance or aggression is. How you handle upset can either strengthen or silently erode relationships. Getting skillful at owning your reactions = next-level leadership.
Try this: When discomfort arises, start by turning inward and taking responsibility for your own experience. Naming what you’re feeling—and owning your part—creates space to respond with clarity rather than react out of habit. From that place, your response becomes more intentional and far more effective.
a. Listen and try to repair
b. Get defensive, then react
c. Avoid the person until it blows over
d. Beat myself up
e. I don’t usually know when they’re upset
Why it matters: Repair is a superpower. We all mess up. What matters is whether we notice, stay open, and work to make it right. Your willingness to repair is crucial to having great relationships.
Try this: Being a good communicator isn’t about getting things right all the time. Instead, it’s about your willingness and ability to make repairs when things go wrong. If you recognize a misunderstanding or notice that you’ve upset someone, take responsibility and focus on restoring the relationship.
a. Initiate a conversation as soon as possible
b. Wait for things to cool off, then circle back
c. Hope it fixes itself
d. Avoid the person
e. I don’t know how
Why it matters: Often when rifts happen, we internally create even more division. We take sides, determining who’s right (usually us) and who’s wrong. This headspace makes it incredibly difficult to initiate or participate in repair.
Try this: Success in relationships isn’t about winning arguments or always being right – it’s about maintaining connection and mutual respect. When misunderstandings or conflicts arise, the most important thing you can do is take the next step toward repair. This means focusing on actions that restore trust and strengthen your bond, rather than letting distance or resentment build.
a. Regularly and clearly
b. When I hit my limit
c. Sometimes, but I feel guilty
d. Rarely because I don't want to cause friction
e. What are boundaries?
Why it matters: Boundaries are kindness in action. They protect your energy, clarify expectations, and reduce resentment. When you set them well, you model self-care and sustainability for everyone around you.
Try this: Boundaries are less about the words you use and more about the actions you take when someone crosses them. Your boundaries are yours and you are the one who will need to take action if they’re broken.
a. We communicate openly and often
b. It feels easy and respectful
c. There’s no drama
d. I don’t think about it much
e. Nobody’s told me it’s NOT working
Why it matters: Checking in on what’s working (and what’s not) keeps partnerships strong. Again, it’s not about being right or wrong – it’s about individual needs being met.
Try this: Ask the other person what they'd like to see improve in your relationship, and share your own hopes with generosity and goodwill. When you both speak honestly and listen openly you create a space for real connection and a chance to nurture the partnership together.
a. Very—I am open and authentic
b Only with people I trust
c. A little, if it feels safe
d. Pretty uncomfortable
e. Vulnerable? At work? Hard pass.
Why it matters: Vulnerability isn’t oversharing. It’s showing enough of your real self that others feel safe to do the same. That’s where acceptance and belonging live and it’s one of the most healing aspects of relationships.
Try this: Vulnerability with others begins by being honest with yourself. Take a moment to reflect on your own wants, hopes, and needs. By understanding what truly matters to you, you lay the foundation for authentic connections with others. Start with self-awareness, and let that guide your openness in relationships.
a. Be more intentional in conversations
b. Practice clearer boundaries
c. Give more appreciation
d. Speak up sooner when something’s off
e. I haven’t thought about it yet
Why it matters: You don’t need a total overhaul. Small relational shifts can create big ripple effects. Choose one area to grow, and you’ll feel the difference in how others show up with you, too.
Try this: Think of someone you admire or aspire to be like in relationships. What qualities do you see that you can authentically emulate? Let it inspire you, not to be them, but to become more of you. Choose one quality you see in them that feels true to your values and practice it your way.
No matter how you responded to these questions, the results are clear – you’re human! There will be times when you excel in certain areas and other times when you need support. Your strengths and challenges may even shift based on day, company and circumstance and that’s completely normal.
Relationships aren’t about perfection. They’re about presence. Every relationship requires effort, practice, humility, and the willingness of both people to show up openly. Real connections are work are forged, bit by bit, side by side, when we show up and keep learning together.
